Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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