My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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