just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
where are my eyebrows?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
