I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
