fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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