did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
