Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
