she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
