: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
