What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
