Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
