At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
