And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
