the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
