We won't sleep together?
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
