Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO