I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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