I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
