I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
