I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
