ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
one might say we're banned from that church
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
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I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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