Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
