Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
