What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
