question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
