just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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