Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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