You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
