he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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