I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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