Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
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I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize