Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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