i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
