My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
