In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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