drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
