I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
