I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
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he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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