dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
