Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
