i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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