"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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