I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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