My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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