shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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