he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
