I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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