So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
