If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
