College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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