Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
