Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
