woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
